My tone wasn't mean. It was fairly matter of fact.
Maybe it seemed like no big deal at the time or no big deal reading this now.
Except for two things:
I know my daughter.
And I knew in that moment just as I know right now that my intention, seeping through the subtle edges my tone, was to shame her. To make her feel badly for forgetting.
I knew when I said it it was hurtful.
If you find yourself wondering how to get back home, to the person you used to be – who was fun and excited and engaged…
My best guess is that person has been with you all along – giving you subtle (or not so subtle!) cues. You've simply forgotten how to interpret, or you've overridden, the messages coming from within.
The practice is, when faced with a challenging interaction, to always guess the thing you hope for or want it to be first.
This is the heart of generosity:
Giving someone I love space and open-hearted curiosity.
Leading the interaction with kindness and generosity assures my child that I'm on her side and I want to understand.
This understanding opens the door to discussing other strategies.
How can I soothe and support another person - be it my child or anyone I’m in relationship with - without assuring them (or insisting) that they’re ok, when they are expressing that they’re not? It's this simple...
My search continued to narrow into more and more gentle approaches. I relied more on the feeling that I had in my body to tell me if what I was reading was right for us.
My litmus test became “Does this create more trust, or less?”
It helped to clarify whether the appeal for me was my own convenience or in deepening the connection between me and my child.
What would happen if even one generation were raised with respect?
Trusting that their viewpoint, their experience matters?
That their cries will be heard?
That they will be held, and supported in finding solutions?
Ditch the fear.
They will learn.
Shaming, blaming or withdrawing from them won't accelerate their learning.
It won't teach them what you want them to learn.
It will teach them that your love is conditional.
Drop the idea that discipline and punishment are interchangeable.
Discipline is rooted in guidance.
Punishment is motivated by revenge.
Punishment teaches them that they can't te...