A NEW MODEL
Ditch the fear.
They will learn.
Shaming, blaming or withdrawing from them won't accelerate their learning.
It won't teach them what you want them to learn.
It will teach them that your love is conditional.
Drop the idea that discipline and punishment are interchangeable.
Discipline is rooted in guidance.
Punishment is motivated by revenge.
Punishment teaches them that they can't tell you when they've messed up.
Forget about fixing it for them.
Let go of pressing past the feelings to get them to feel better.
It teaches them to avoid feeling, which perpetuates the struggle.
Shelve telling them it's OK.
Because in the moment, it's not.
They know that it's not, their body knows it's not, and convincing them otherwise is pressuring them to deny what is.
Leave the illusion that your child doesn't have choice.
You can coerce your child into doing pretty much anything.
But what do you want their motivation to be for doing it?
To get a reward, your praise or a gold star?
To avoid a punishment?
To keep his head down and follow instructions?
What if we collectively built a new model...
A model based on trust, respect, guidance, compassion and choice.
They are doing their best to meet their own needs, so help them to expand their ideas about how to do that.
Guide them by creating routines that are predictable, steady and consistent.
Allow plenty of freedom within that routine.
When they struggle, your calm presence is assuring.
Listen with an open, curious heart.
They need to be heard and know that they matter to you.
Inquire about how they will solve it.
Honor their experience.
See the world through their eyes.
Wonder what it may feel like to be them.
Be a safe container for whatever they share with you.
Enable your child to be in partnership with you.
To get creative and find ways to meet everyone's needs.
You will be amazed at what they come up with.